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Christ, you should hear this fake laugh. It’s terrible. It sounds like a sea lion choking on a fishbone. It sounds like one of the aliens from Mars Attacks! riding a shopping trolley down a concrete stairwell. It sounds like an asthmatic machine gun being fired into a care home for seagulls who practise auto-erotic asphyxiation. There is nothing nice or fun or charming about my son’s fake laugh. Yet he persists, shooting it all through with a transparently ingratiating Ain’t I a stinker facial expression that’s only microscopically different from the one he pulls when he poos himself.

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